I am in process of divorce, and was married for over 18 years.  I really thought I knew my wife but it turns out I did not know who she really was until now.  Over the last few years we had problems communicating, in that we did not really talk about us, or the problems that existed under the surface.  I will not bash my spouse by saying bad things, but I will say this.  I never knew who she really was until we separated. The things she has done have shocked me to the core. It has made me realize the truth in the old saying that hell have no fury like that of a woman scorned.  I feel as if my heart as been in a blender and shredded.

My sister and I are very close and she said to me recently you never really know a person until you get divorced and for a woman who has never married, she sure got that right.  That said I wish she was wrong.  Seeing the side of my wife that was foreign to me did not bring any peace or happiness to either of us, just anxiety and turmoil.  I do not mean to infer I was blameless in our marriage.  I take responsibility for the fact I was not perfect, did not listen well enough, tolerated the lack of communication, and settled instead of trying to improve the situation.  I admit I had fears of being alone and did not want to raise our kids in a divorced family.  Now I know better.  I am dealing with being on my own, and it does not scare me.  I will always love my kids, and do all I can to spend time with them, and support them.  While growing up in a broken home will be hard, I will make sure they know they are loved.  I will not talk stink about their mother, and even though we have our issues, I will show my support for her as much as possible.  Even though we are almost divorced I wish her every success.

My advice for people having problems in their marriage is this.  Learn to surrender and forgive as it erases old buried pain and anger that has been growing beneath the surface.  Let it go as much as you can and concentrate on the life in front of you and not what has already transpired.  The past is over. To live in the past is to live in pain. If you have kids.  Leave them out of it.  Both parents should avoid saying bad things about the other to the kids, even if they are true, as it will have long term affects on the kids and your relationships with them.  Leave out guilt, Don’t try to get  even. Rise above the hate and anger, and concentrate on making the now better, to ensure a good future.

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