Archives for posts with tag: communication

turtle 1

Do you think turtles get mad and want to yell.  Can you imagine what this turtle encountered to make it beach itself and scream. Turtles after all live underwater along the reefs and rocky shoreline. What ever caused this Turtle to behave like this  must have been terrifying. People have a tendency to think the worst, but what if you you changed that thinking and thought the turtle was laughing cause he just heard the funny joke about what one sea shell said to another…..  Or, perhaps the turtle is getting ready to take a nap on the beach and I just was there at the right moment to see him yawn.

So while there is one picture, there are several different possibilities as to what the story is.

This is an example of how we can interpret a situation by a visual cue that is likely biased to our individual mindsets. It could also be that people can hear words being spoken and receive a meaning different from what the sender was trying to communicate.  This could be do to many factors.  Two examples are if english is a second language  or your listening to someone speak with an accent.  it is very easy to understand just enough that you assume things.  This is where problems start.  You cannot ever know what is in someone else’s head, so assuming you do is really a waste of time and energy.

The way to find out what is going on with another person is to talk to them.  Ask questions, be present when they answer, by this I mean pay attention.  Don’t look at your watch every few minutes.   Maintain face to face contact. Invest your attention on the other person and that effort will produce effective communication.

Now, as for the turtle it was late afternoon and it wanted to haul out for a nice rest. I was just lucky to be able capture it yawning.

Take care everyone!

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Life, love, relationships, and friendship are elements of life that give us purpose, a sense of belonging, and fulfillment.  But, life circumstances change.  Relationships sometimes end, and for that matter friendships  too.   When this happens sometimes people are hateful, resentful, jealous, angry, hurt, rejected, and they might say or do things that cause you pause.

You have a choice when this happens.  You can internalize these actions and words and allow them to have power over you, which causes  negative feelings and emotions.  This will affect how you feel about yourself and others and will bog you down.   It is not easy to accept people as they are, not pass judgement, and forgive others as well as yourself for the pain, rejection, and anguish you feel. But, that is what is required for you to live with love and peace.

We all deserve to be happy and enjoy life.  But we can’t do that if we allow others to control our emotions and state of mind.  All we can do is control our emotions and outlook in life.

Someone once said you could be right or you can be happy but you can’t always be both.   I would rather forgive others for what they do, than spend energy resenting others for causing me pain. In this way, I control how happy I am.  The more I practice living in peace the happier I am.

I’m not suggesting that you just turn the other cheek, let others walk over you.  Not at all.  The point is that your in control and whatever people say or do does not need to change your mindset.  If you remove the emotion, anger, resentment, rejection, feeling of lack from a situation all that is left is you. From that point you can communicate and share your thoughts in a manner that is constructive.   If the other people involved react differently so be it.  You can not control how others feel.   Don’t let it get you down.

 

Peaceful beach in Maui

Peaceful beach in Maui

 

Image provided by Douglas Hoffman

Ending a relationship is not like going to the dentist where you typically get a shot to cover the pain, and an hour later walk out smiling. Its not like doing the end of year tax returns where you night be inclined to drink a shot to cover the pain. It is the dark night that precedes the dawn.  All humor aside what I want to share is that it is better to accept that what you had is over than it is to live an unhappy life.

I have heard several reasons why people stay in relationships that are not working; because they Know what to expect, the devil they know is better than the one they don’t, they are afraid of being alone, and they don’t feel comfortable entering the dating scene.  Seems to me these people are surviving not really living.   To be alive is to feel vital, to be a part of something, to have passion, to feel wanted, and to welcome the coming of another day.

So how to deal with ending a relationship.  This is what I did.  I accepted it.  I accepted responsibility for my part, forgave myself for the mistakes I made, the things I did wrong, and the things I did not do.  I also forgave my partner for any and all pain caused. I realized that the past is over, and all that really matters is now.  So I decided to clean out my heart.  Turns out it is a lot like cleaning a closet.  There were some things I had to get rid of as well as others I needed to brush off and put back on the shelf. In the end all the things that were no longer useful to my life were removed. As it happened this created space to let light, love, peace, and tranquility enter and I am much better for it.

My advice for others having turmoil in their relationship is to face it, deal with it, pass through it, and rediscover your vitality and enthusiasm for life. Who knows you might save the relationship in the process.  If not, your certainly saving yourself from a life of just going through the motions.  Either way your better off.

I am in process of divorce, and was married for over 18 years.  I really thought I knew my wife but it turns out I did not know who she really was until now.  Over the last few years we had problems communicating, in that we did not really talk about us, or the problems that existed under the surface.  I will not bash my spouse by saying bad things, but I will say this.  I never knew who she really was until we separated. The things she has done have shocked me to the core. It has made me realize the truth in the old saying that hell have no fury like that of a woman scorned.  I feel as if my heart as been in a blender and shredded.

My sister and I are very close and she said to me recently you never really know a person until you get divorced and for a woman who has never married, she sure got that right.  That said I wish she was wrong.  Seeing the side of my wife that was foreign to me did not bring any peace or happiness to either of us, just anxiety and turmoil.  I do not mean to infer I was blameless in our marriage.  I take responsibility for the fact I was not perfect, did not listen well enough, tolerated the lack of communication, and settled instead of trying to improve the situation.  I admit I had fears of being alone and did not want to raise our kids in a divorced family.  Now I know better.  I am dealing with being on my own, and it does not scare me.  I will always love my kids, and do all I can to spend time with them, and support them.  While growing up in a broken home will be hard, I will make sure they know they are loved.  I will not talk stink about their mother, and even though we have our issues, I will show my support for her as much as possible.  Even though we are almost divorced I wish her every success.

My advice for people having problems in their marriage is this.  Learn to surrender and forgive as it erases old buried pain and anger that has been growing beneath the surface.  Let it go as much as you can and concentrate on the life in front of you and not what has already transpired.  The past is over. To live in the past is to live in pain. If you have kids.  Leave them out of it.  Both parents should avoid saying bad things about the other to the kids, even if they are true, as it will have long term affects on the kids and your relationships with them.  Leave out guilt, Don’t try to get  even. Rise above the hate and anger, and concentrate on making the now better, to ensure a good future.

Today I observed a group of ants working together to take a dead bee back to their nest.At first there was one ant, and it found the bee and without hesitation started pulling it towards its nest.  And then there was another, and another, and within minutes there were too many to count.  I was amazed at their strength and determination. Progress was slow at the beginning but as more ants came and helped, the pace increased. It was amazing to see how fast these ants were working. Just like that they disappeared around the corner and into a crack in the base of the wall.

As I watched, it seemed to me that there was a life lesson to be learned. One person can make a difference with steadfast belief and determination. However when a community gets involved it seems the progress of their efforts is unstoppable.

I wonder and imagine what would happen the world community were able to pull together and use their combined strength and beliefs to help feed the world, provide water that is safe to drink, educate the youth of the world, end political corruption, manage the worlds natural resources, end pollution, develop new sources of energy, end the dependence we have for oil, stop illegal fishing, stop shark finning, purge racial and religious prejudice, and control green house gas emissions.  Any and all of these actions would change the world and make it a better place for everyone, and everything. In this way we could as a world community live with love and peace.

Two people meet and start to date. During this period there is a sense of excitement.  Both people have the best of intentions and and often act the way they think will best impress the other. Men put the toilet seat down and women don’t complain when the man forgets.  After a while sex enters the picture and becomes a focal point in the relationship.  With this intimacy comes a sense of bliss.

But after a while, like a new car loses its magical smell, relationships between men and women begin to become too familiar and as a result some of the before mentioned bliss dissipates. About this time each persons inner values, mannerisms, & emotions start to surface. If couples are able to accept these aspects of their partners persona and maintain good communication their relationship has a good chance to flourish.  If not problems will start to arise This could lead to one or both to experience feelings that include a feeling of disharmony, lack of respect, or being miss understood. If these feelings are not dealt with stronger feelings like resentment, frustration, anxiety, fear, and anger are sure to follow.  These negative emotions are the doom of relationships.

The key to sustaining a relationship is good communication.  Couples should talk about their core values and beliefs to ensure they are compatible.  Relationships that thrive are based on both people being happy and feeling supported, loved, respected, understood, and fulfilled.

Those couples that discover they have different mindsets and values will be better off apart than together.  In this way they can each be happy and live a life of love and peace.

 

Have you ever tried giving advice with the best of intentions to another person and their response was based on frustration and anger, rather than appreciation for the fact that you cared and wanted to help improve a particular situation.   Sadly this occurs quite a bit. The reason is because each person has an ego.

Our egos lie dormant inside us and awaken when we feel emotions like pain, rejection, frustration, anger, resentment. When advice is given, it triggers one or more of these emotions, and just like that ego responds before a person is even aware that it is happening.  The ego loves drama, in fact it feed upon it.

When you give advice and the recipient responds with a verbal attack, one of the best things to do is to just be present in the moment.  Accept how they feel, and what they say.  Don’t feed the fire.  If you feel emotional surges based on their response and don’t let it go, your ego will awaken and the situation will only escalate.

Another way to offer advice is to choose your words very carefully.  Make sure to be as neutral and supportive as possible.  Words carry impact, and some words are stronger than others.  So by selecting words that do not light a fuse will help you communicate and not cause an eruption from the other person.

The other thing to remember is the old saying opinions are like ass holes – everybody has one….

Hopefully this advice will be well received and enable you to live with love and peace.

 

Aloha